Budget Cuts Force Donkey Patrol in Downtown
Faced with the grim task of choosing between fiscal responsibility and horses, the San Jose City Council, rather than suspend the police department’s popular horse-mounted unit, made the tough decision to retire the horses and substitute them with more financially efficient donkeys.
“These jackasses couldn’t function properly even if you whacked ‘em with a 2 x 4,” said one downtown resident, “but I’m looking forward to seeing the donkeys downtown.”
Although not as impressive, quick or athletic as a horse, nor able to give the officer the vantage point that comes from sitting atop horseback, the burro does bring certain advantages over its taller, quicker, more beautiful cousin: it’s bowels move more infrequently.
“We have a problem with clubbers rooting themselves in piles of horse dung at closing time,” said officer Ross Mitchell. “It’s cold, they’re drunk, and it provides a warm, soft, steamy place to sleep. The donkeys will help keep them moving.”
Most of those we interviewed are very excited that the mounted unit will survive the budget ax.
“The average person has the impression that these are stupid animals,” said Councilman Forrest Williams, “but quite to the contrary, they are very intelligent beasts. I have talked with several that work in hi-tech jobs here in the valley.”
The compromise seems to be accepted across the board and the conventional thinking is that there is no better way to ring in the holiday season than by hitching your wagon to an ass.