Supervisor Beall Takes Over County’s Vector Control Program

Vows To Kill Pestilent Mosquitoes Himself

In a rare, selfless act by an elected official not involved in a political race, County Supervisor Jim Beall has vowed to single-handily stop the spread of the West Nile virus by killing the pestilent mosquitoes, “one by one, house by house, block by block.”  This would put to rest the controversy surrounding the County’s Vector Control direct-mail voting campaign to increase assessments in order to fund future efforts to search for and destroy the disease spreading insects.

“We don’t need to unnecessarily tax our citizens,” said Beall to the shock of most.  “I will hunt down these invertebrates and destroy them myself.”

Several Santa Clara County residents were surprised to find Supervisor Jim Beall at their doorstep last weekend, dressed in orange coveralls, wearing eye goggles, armed with a can of Raid and a fly swatter.

“He told us he was there to unleash his ‘shock and awe’ campaign,” said resident Kristen Savini. “He said he would hunt down and torture, if necessary, any type of mosquito, from the Culex to the Tree-Hole and everything in between.  His pupils were dilated, he was sweaty, and he drooled uncontrollably; I was afraid to let him in.”

The National Organization of Invertebrates (NOI) immediately condemned Beall’s actions as “unprecedented, and unconscionable, especially from a sitting public official,” and pledged to throw their considerable weight behind any future opponent of Mr. Beall.
This was an immense personal blow to the supervisor as the NOI, a group that represents spineless insects and certain strains of American cockroaches, was set to honor Beall with their Invertebrate of the Year award.

The NOI gave no indication as to who will receive the award in Beall’s place, but they said the list of nominees was quite exhaustive.

18 Comments

  1. Dang, that was satire?  I was hoping we were actually going to get some “value added” from Beall’s service on the Board of Supes before he terms out.

  2. John – this is great.  Hey, any of you bloggers want to play some tennis this weekend?  Where’s some good courts near downtown?  Mark T? Finfan?  C’mon, I bought a new outfit and I’ve been working on all my strokes.

  3. What’s this Pola, an IQ test? How brave of you to challenge someone armed with only a helmet and a hockey stick to take on you and your new, apparently mosquito-proof tennis outfit.

    Thanks, but no thanks. I’m staying indoors until Beall gives the all-clear. This West Nile virus is the biggest threat to the valley since Blanca Alvarado was elected to the board.

    ff

    P.S. Let us know if Mark T falls into your little trap.

  4. What’s with this direct mail voting effort by Vector Control?  How has this been justified?  Was this a approved by a vote from the supervisors?

    I can’t believe the gall of these people…

  5. Forget about the “exhaustive” list – There is one person that deserves that spineless award more than anyone – Susan Shick! 

    But she has done her damage and is on her sailboat somewhere living on her severance package.

  6. I’d let him in my house!  Anyone who wants to rid my home of potential West Nile infected squeeters if fine by me.  Take ‘em all – infected or not!  I don’t think I have any room left on my body where I HAVEN’T been bitten.  It sure would be cheaper than hiring an exterminator.

  7. John,

    I enjoy your column every Friday.  It is political satire at its best.  What is so great about it is just how true the underlying theme of your blogs truly are.

  8. The only reason that this story can’t be true is that politicians don’t act selflessly-it is always about trying to figure out how to alienate the fewest while trying to satisfy the most.  It’s never about taking tough stands for what is right.

  9. I really enjoy the satire, John…it’s a nice break from the “real” stuff that appears every other day of the week.  Don’t change…I look forward to these Friday postings.

    Oh, and Pola, I’ve seen your strokes…it’s not pretty, better stick to squirrel hunting!

  10. I love these Friday articles…
    It sounds like almost every elected politician in San Jose must be on the list of nominees!
    Exterminate, exterminate, exteminate!!!!

  11. Mal, I couldn’t have said it better myself!

    No tennis for me—I have other plans this weekend.  Outdoor plans, and I’m sure the citronella will be more effective than Beall would be. 

    I don’t see how anyone can apply the term “political race” to Mr. Beall.  I can’t remember him ever running for office where he wasn’t unopposed.

  12. Peta is looking into adding the mosquito to their list of protected animals.  So be careful Beall they don’t blow your house up.  Also, they may want you to use only the flyswatter it is a quicker death than the black flag and doesn’t hurt the enviorement.

  13. John,

    Wonderful.  I love the satire – so please keep up the good work.  There’s just enough of a hint of truth to it, that it’s not so far-fetched that Jim Beall would do what you suggest. 

    Btw, does anyone remember the “Med Fly” infestation back in the late 1970’s?  I seem to recall the hub-bub about the aerial application of Malathion over SJ neighborhoods infested with the mediterranean fruit flys.  In fact, the county ag commissioners office (i think) headed up this effort and they held community meetings to assure John Q. Public of the efficacy and safety of the aerial spraying of malathion.  In fact, some guy from the CDFA (State of Calif. Dept of Food & Agriculture) attended a meeting at Booksin Elementary School and to convince us of the harmlessness of malathion – he drank a 16oz glass of it in front of everyone!!!  Remember his name history fans?

    A: B.P. Collins.

  14. Yo, Jay-Mac IV:

    Keep up the good writing!  It’s nice to have a chuckle now and then.  And you bring out the best in other bloggers.

    I just loved the “BORE them to death” by Mal Content.  The mosquito boy does need a serious charisma implant.

    John Michael O’Connor